& home (part two).

i have been home for two weeks and four days, and things are good. i am so happy to be here with the people i love. i have been to minneapolis a number of times, as well as dinky town, grand avenue, the mall of america (an embarrassing amount of times…), my old high school, applebee’s, glam doll, and the end of pilot knob. checking things off my summer bucket list on the daily! i have made my twoweeksandfourdays here as full of important things and important people as i can.

i have gotten coffee with so many people, old friends and new. coffee dates are one of my favorite things. i suppose that after this year, i want to let go of all the old grudges and tension that’s still in my life for reasons i cannot recall. and let me tell you–it has been so incredible. i feel as though these weights have been sliding off of me one by one, and it’s making the healing process so, so good. it feels so wonderful to repair relationships that broke apart (sometimes in middle school), and part of me thinks why did i wait so long to reconnect with these people? but i suppose it takes a hard time to recognize the good.

for those who do not know, i have some mild post-traumatic stress that came in full force this spring, and it was something i had never dealt with to that degree previously. lots of people have been asking how i am doing since i’ve returned home, and that means a lot to me! for those who are wondering, i am so much better. i am not best, but i am so better. even getting out of bed this spring was something i did not look forward to, but i am beginning to love life again. and i’m sure this is partially fueled by the distance from my school. but i am surrounded by people who are dearest to my heart, and i am filling up my calendar without being the least bit stressed. even making a coffee date in april would have been too much for me, but now i am busybusybusy and loving it. there are still times where it’s very difficult, however. life is not sunshine every second of every day, but is it for anyone? i was watching pretty little liars this spring (okay, don’t laugh!), and i remember one scene where a psychologist was talking to one of the principle characters, and he described what mental illness feels like: the air just feels heavier for [those with mental illness]. and i remember thinking that that felt like the perfect description. the air just felt heavier; oxygen was harder to inhale. but i am home, and i am happy. i am not looking forward to returning in the fall, like many others, and sometimes this is hard for me. i see photos of my friends or people from my former high school, with captions such as the fall cannot come fast enough while i am thinking summer, please never end. let me stay in this day forever. i am trying to be as intentional as possible with the time here that i do have: i have four part-time jobs that i love, i was recently cast in eagan community theater’s production of the little mermaid, i am working with hosanna to do some worship leading on the occasional weekend, and i am being mindful of what makes me feel fullest. where am i happy? or, perhaps a better way to put it (and for those of you who know me best, might remind me to ask myself) where is my heart today? tomorrow? this summer? this season? 

all of my love to you all. thank you for being with me.

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