“You are an ocean / And I can’t keep my head above the water / Time moves slow when I’m with you”

I will be home seven days from now, and I am so winded from this quarter. Half of me is stuck here, and half of me is there.

I wrote this on my Instagram last week:

“I have been living in Denver for ten weeks now, and I am flying home in 11 days for six weeks. I knew that moving 1000 miles away from home would be a change, and I knew that I would change, but I didn’t know how. I did a lot of praying and reflection last summer, because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into–I felt terrified an incredibly unprepared to be on my own for the first time. Now that my first quarter at DU is almost over, I can’t believe the amount of change that has occurred in this short amount of time. I am continually growing and evolving, questioning who I am and who I want to be. Part of me is reluctant to leave Denver and go home to Minneapolis, because my whole life is here–my job at an amazing nonprofit, my friends, my passions. Denver is a special place and there have been few times in my life where I feel so happy. I have been stretched, questioned, and made uncomfortable more times than I can count, but that is where the growth happens. This is where my heart is, and I am so blessed and full of joy and wonder and awe at life right now.”

I am ready to see my parents and my sister and my friends again, but my heart aches at leaving what I have here behind for so long. I was so, so, so terrified to come here, and now I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I didn’t know how long it would take for my dorm room to feel like home after a long day away, and I didn’t know what I would eat, and I didn’t know how I would go places, and I didn’t know I didn’t know I didn’t know. It was a complete, total change–something I had never encountered before. But somewhere between the countless hours studying, the late nights with Steph and Grace and Ally and Ariel, the questions, the doubting, and the exploring, I adjusted. Part of me knows that I am becoming comfortable again, a word I’m not fond of, but I am so happy. My soul is content. I am becoming more patient with myself and others, and I don’t always feel such a need to know things. There is nothing here that I don’t like, and sometimes I am scared because I am waiting for something to fall through, but I don’t want to spend my life waiting for something bad to happen. That actually occurred to me the other day: I have heard again and again and again to “cherish it while it lasts”, because life always seems to throw bad things at you when everything is going well. But what if our mindset switched, and we thought instead that life always seems to throw good things at us when everything is going poorly? In August I was so upset and scared and worried and all of the other anxiety-filled words, and then I came to school and the weather is always nice, and I have amazing friends, and I am learning new things every day, and I have such a wonderful boyfriend, and I know that I am loved. Life was not fun in August, and life is everything I have ever wanted now. I am not naive enough to think that I will never struggle again, but I know that life will always bring good things back around–life is full of ups and downs and in-betweens, but there are constants that keep us whole.

My heart is full. My heart is full. My heart is full.

(by the way, here is the link to the song quoted in the title. Death and a Cure is such a good band.)

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